Sunday, December 27, 2009

Insulting My Facebook Friends (Part 4)

Sadly for Lorraine, real men don't eat quiche.

Lynda enjoys helping out her male students straighten out their Longfellow.

There once was a girl named Lynne, with a body that was made just for sin... with the boys in the mood to study her nude, she drowns all her troubles in gin. Happy birthday you filthy whore!!!

Mark, you pus spewing, boney, puke faced twit.... I just can't think of an insult for you.

It's easy to tell the difference between me and my evil twin sister Marlena..... she's the one with the cloven hooves.

Linda B, the smartest thing to ever pass through your lips had balls attached, you skank.

If you sneak up on Mary D, you can hear the crabs complain that they have a bad case of Mary.

This year, Mary W. was caught hanging children with her stockings by the chimney, with care. Almost had it this time....

"You don't understand what you're dealing with..., Matt eats!!, it's what he does, with forks, with knives... with his bare hands. He can eat things that would make a billy-goat puke. If you're going to insult him, you'd better remember one thing... bring a good supply of wet-naps."

Matty K, "I'll be with you always" (Matthew 28:20) but in your case, it's herpes simplex HSV-1.

Maureen, it seems like it was just yesterday that I was cleaning all the toilets on the 3'rd floor of Hoosac.... and then I put your toothbrush back where I found it.

Melody will have peace on earth this Christmas even if she has to kill every man, woman and child on earth to get it.

Nine out of ten frightened hookers agree that Mike G. is not abusive... the tenth is still missing.

NaNa has been voted the Edward Gorey centerfold of the year.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Pogues... Fairytale of New York

Without a doubt, the greatest Christmas song ever.

Insulting My Facebook Friends (part 3)

Kimmy was assaulted with a turkey baster and enjoyed every second of it. What a tramp.

Kevin was born with a tail... He keeps it in a jar in the fridge now.

Kim makes the baby Jesus cry every time she touches herself.

Kristen has the distinct odor of a wounded badger.

Laini makes wonderful road-kill banana bread.

contrary to popular belief, there is some good in Larry.... it's located behind his left kneecap.

Laura has the largest collection of nude Don Knotts pictures in the northern hemisphere. (That includes the tattoo on her right butt cheek.)

Linda was once hired as the stunt double for Grace Jones..... sadly, Grace wanted to do her own stunts in Conan The Destroyer.

Every time Lizz tells a joke, an angel has his wings ripped off and gets a vodka enema for the pain.

Lois was the inventor of the less popular...... Serious Putty.

Lori D knows exactly how to make any man purr like a wookie..... the little tramp.

Lori L. touches herself every time she thinks of Andy Rooney.

Lori R. has sold her virginity on e-bay thirty-seven times..... and counting...

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Home again

So I’m flying back to Boston last night and I started to get nervous… I’m not quite sure when it started,… it might have been when the co-pilot decided to start selling off baggage that wouldn’t fit in the overhead compartments or when he started directing passengers to the smoking section…… on the wings.

Maybe it was during the pre-flight when he made a noose out of the seatbelt and proceeded to strangle himself….

I’m not quite a hundred percent on this, but when the flight attendants were pointing out where the emergency exits were, I swear he was dancing YMCA behind them.

What I am certain of was the dizzying array of insults he hurled at the crew and passengers alike. Anyone who failed to move fast enough was a target…. “You!!! (describing the victim for that extra humiliation…) red hat with the brown duffel bag… why are you moving slower than a snail in a glue factory?” “There are ninety people waiting for YOU!!!!”

At this point, I started to like the old coot, so long as nobody let him fly…

I started to take a nap a few minutes into the flight only to be smacked on the head with a rolled up magazine by my favorite co-pilot. “If I can’t sleep, nobody does!!!” Can’t argue with that logic…

A few minutes later he was back in the cockpit daring the pilot to do a loop over an open mic.

Anyway, I had a great time in the Carolinas. It’s always good to see some of the Watson clan. Thanks for the hospitality and the driving guys.

As for N. Carolina, Thanks Jasyn for a wonderful time. You are as beautiful as ever and have an amazing family. I miss you all dearly.